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His separation hasn't been working out. His nephew's fiance has become a distraction. His paroled cousin is giving off bad vibes. His business rival is looking for payback. His therapist isn't buying into the "other Tony." It's enough to send any mob boss over the edge. Hell hath no fury like The Sopranos.
01 - Two Tony's
"Forget the way Tony Soprano makes his way in the world. That's to feed his children. There's two Tony Sopranos...you've never seen that other one...That's the one I want to show you."
As the fifth season opens, Carmela finds that in addition to Tony's resentment about the breakup, she's bearing the brunt of A.J.'s as well. She accuses Tony of withholding money from her while buying things for A.J. - like a five thousand dollar drum set - to relieve his own guilt. For Tony's part, despite his anger that "my wife was going after some fucking immigrant," he worries about Carmela and A.J. being alone. When he hears that a bear has been foraging in the backyard, Tony has Benny Fazio and Little Paulie Germani take turns guarding the house with an AK-47.
Although Tony may be losing one part of his family, he's gaining others. He has a brand-new brother-in-law in Bobby Bacala, now wed to Janice, and his cousin Tony Blundetto, a wise guy incarcerated in the 1980's, is soon to be released. "I've missed the shit out of him," a delighted Tony tells Bobby. In addition, old-timers Angelo Garepe, Phil Leotardo and Feech La Manna have been freed after serving long terms. Feech, a feared capo in his day, immediately seeks Tony's permission to pursue entrepreneurial ventures, and Tony gladly gives him the go ahead.
Elsewhere within Tony's professional sphere, however, things are not so harmonious. When Carmine, Sr. suffers a massive stroke, Johnny Sack reveals that he's still bitter about Tony's refusal to hit the old don. "You want an apology?" an exasperated Tony demands, "Fuckin' Whitman's Sampler?" Old hostilities flare up between Paulie and Christopher as well, finally erupting over a $1,184 restaurant tab that Paulie sticks him with after Christopher did not want to pay the last dinner bill. Their heated confrontation in the eatery's parking lot culminates in them murdering their waiter, who interrupts to complain about the tip. (Afterwards the two agree to put their differences aside. "One of us coulda got hurt," Paulie says.)
And Tony decides it's time to put aside his differences with Dr. Melfi, but not because he wants to go back to therapy. He tells her that he wants to take their relationship "in that other direction." But Dr. Melfi flatly refuses. In addition to her professional ethics - and despite admitting to her own therapist that she once found Tony "a little sexy" - she is repelled by the things he does. "In a personal relationship," she tells Tony, "I don't think I could sit silent." Hurt and furious, Tony storms out of her office and ends up at Carmela's, where he sits in the backyard, AK in his lap, loaded for bear.
02 - Rat Pack
"What kind of person does that? It's like Judas or something. Eating that last supper with Jesus and the whole time he knows they're gonna crucify him. I mean, at least Judas didn't go into any apostle protection program. He hung himself. He knew what he did."
On the eve of the opening of the Museum of Science and Trucking, Tony meets Jack Massarone at Napoleon's Diner. Massarone, as a gesture of "gratitude for all our work together," gives Tony a gift, a garish painting of the Rat Pack, and then gets down to business. He's concerned about the status of their next venture and prods Tony to articulate the details. Tony, as usual, is tight-lipped - which is a good thing, as FBI agents are eavesdropping, courtesy of a tiny microphone in Massarone's cap.
The Feds are intensifying their efforts to get Tony. In addition to Massarone, they've wired Ray Curto and have been pressuring Adriana, who finds the stress increasingly difficult to bear. "I'm being ripped apart here snitching on people," a distraught Adriana tells Agent Sanseverino, "For what? What do I get out of it?" Later, at a girls' night at Carmela's, Adriana has too much wine and almost confesses, but runs away sobbing instead.
Tony, unaware of all this, is focused on the homecoming of Tony Blundetto. The two Tony's grew up together, and Tony Soprano loves his cousin like a brother. So he's more than a little taken aback when Tony B. rebuffs his offer to give him a gig dealing stolen automobile airbags. After fifteen years behind bars, Tony B. wants instead to become a licensed massage therapist. "Look, I been away from all this a long time," he explains, "If I got a shot at staying out and putting shit together, I should take it." So Tony S. gets him a civilian job, delivering linens.
In addition to the change in his cousin, Tony has other shakeups to deal with. Carmela wants to file a separation agreement, and in New York, Carmine Lupertazzi is dead. At the wake, the animosity between Little Carmine and Johnny Sack is as open as the old don's casket. "Fucking Little Carmine," Johnny later vents to Tony, "And after what? Five years in Florida fixing wet t-shirt contests."
Meanwhile, Adriana discovers an upside to being a government informant. When Tina Francesco, her purported best friend, flirts with Christopher one time too many, Adriana has a unique solution - she tells Agent Sanseverino that Tina is an embezzler. Being an informant doesn't work out so well For Jack Massarone, however. Tony finds out about him and shortly afterwards Massarone is found in the trunk of his car, a bullet hole in his head and a golf club cover in his mouth. Later, on the Pulaski Skyway, Tony tosses the painting Massarone gave him out his car window and drives away.
03 - Where's Johnny
"He never had the makings of a varsity athlete."
Because Carmine Lupertazzi died without naming his successor, Johnny Sack is moving quickly and ruthlessly to take over the New York organization. When "lady shylock" Lorraine Calluzzo twice ignores instructions to kick up to him instead of Little Carmine, Johnny sends Phil Leotardo to set her straight. Leotardo binds Lorraine, places a phone book over her chest and then fires his revolver into it. "It's her lucky day," Leotardo proclaims as he flips pages looking for the bullet, "Only made it to the R's." Then he whispers in her ear, "Next time there'll be no next time."
Lorraine subsequently reaches out to Tony, who in turn goes to Johnny. Tony tells Johnny that Angelo Garepe - who, before he went to prison, spent thirty years as the elder Carmine's consigliere - suggests sharing power between himself, Johnny and Little Carmine. (In truth, it's Tony's idea, and Angelo only reluctantly went along.) "You're all equally in charge, but no major decisions can be made without a majority of two," Tony explains, "It's like a tri-lateral commission." Johnny's response is curt: "Fuck that!"
So Tony backs off, at least for the time being. Although he's interested in "any crumbs from the fallout" of the Sacramoni/Lupertazzi conflict, he has to attend problems within his own organization. Feech and Paulie have been feuding over a lawn cutting business, resulting in extreme ill will and some seriously injured landscapers. And Bobby wants to spend more time earning and less time taking care of Junior.
And then there's Junior himself. To Tony, he seems to be going out of his way to hurt his feelings and undermine his authority. At a meeting with Garepe, Junior makes a disparaging remark about Tony's athletic prowess. At Sunday dinner, he repeats the remark and, after Tony expressly forbids him to do so, says it yet again. Furious, Tony storms out and later declares that his uncle "is dead to me."
But it turns out that Junior wasn't deliberately antagonizing Tony. One day, he leaves home in his pajamas and ends up wandering the streets of Newark, looking for his long-dead brother, Johnny. The reason for his erratic behavior is soon discovered: he's suffered several infarcts, i.e., small strokes, and isn't entirely responsible for what he does - or says. When Tony learns this, he goes to Junior's house, where the two of them share some wine and watch T.V. Finally, Tony asks Junior that if he has to repeat something, "Why's it always have to be something mean? Why not somethin' good...Don't you love me?" Tears stream down Junior's cheeks, but he doesn't say a word.
04 - All Happy Families
"They go around complimenting you on your new shoes, tell you you're not going bald. Do you think they really care? You're the boss. They're scared of you. They have to kiss your ass and laugh at your stupid jokes."
The burgeoning turf battle between Johnny Sack and Little Carmine has claimed its first casualties: Lorraine Calluzzo and her strongman, Jason Evanima. With Phil Leotardo acting as lookout, Billy Leotardo and Joe Peeps coldly and efficiently shot them to death. When Little Carmine learns of the hit, Angelo Garepe counsels restraint; but another associate, Rusty Millio, adamantly disagrees. "We'll steam roll right over John," he tells Little Carmine, "And I predict the guys on the street...they'll welcome us as fuckin' heroes."
In New Jersey, Tony is faced with his own nascent power struggle. Although he's been trying to help Feech - he gives him stewardship of the "executive" poker game, which was Feech's before he went to prison - it's clear that the old capo resents kowtowing to someone he thinks of as "a kid." Feech smirks at Tony in front of his other subordinates and tries to withhold Tony's taste of his earnings. The witholding of pay relates to Feech green lighting a raid on the Jewish wedding where boosted all the expensive cars then took them to Johnny Sack's shops because he gave him a good deal. This was total disrespect and the second time Tony is having to play catch up with Feech. Tony can't help but see parallels to another ex-con. "Did I learn nothing from Richie Aprile?" he asks Silvio, who sadly agrees that it may become necessary to get rid of Feech.
There are struggles on the domestic front as well. Carmela resents Tony's relationship with Anthony, Jr, complaining, "I get to be the prison warden over here while you indulge him." Against her own instincts, Carmela permits A.J. to attend a concert in Manhattan and spend the night there. He promises to bunk at Meadow's apartment, but stays in a hotel with his buddies instead. When he returns home late, hung over and without eyebrows, Carmela decides she's had enough and sends A.J. to live with Tony.
Carmela is deeply worried about her son, however. At a meeting with his school counselor, Mr. Wegler, she and Tony are warned that "...we're rapidly approaching crisis mode here grade-wise." A few days later, Mr. Wegler and Carmela continue their discussion over lunch. He listens sympathetically as Carmela voices one of her greatest fears: that unless A.J. succeeds in college, he'll end up following in his father's footsteps.
Meanwhile, a decision is reached regarding Feech. Tony, who's lately come to question his underlings' affection for him, senses that Feech's popularity is genuine and on the rise. While he can't let the old-timer continue undermining him, neither can he forget that Feech once gave him a pass for robbing his card game. So what does Tony do? He arranges for Feech to violate his parole, so that instead of disappearing, he's loaded onto a Department of Corrections bus and taken back to prison, which is the safest thing for everybody.
05 - Irregular Around the Margins
"Everybody knows you been the biggest fuckin' cooze hound around the last four or five years. Your mid-life crisis. You'd fuck a catcher's mitt."
Adriana and Agent Sanseverino are taking one of their clandestine car rides when Adriana mentions that Tony has been spending a lot of time at her club, Crazy Horse. "You think it might be because of you?" Sanseverino asks. Offended by the implication, Adriana tersely replies, "I am not going to blow this guy for your sick purposes." Then she gets sick herself, clutching her abdomen and telling Sanseverino that she has go to the bathroom - "number 2" - NOW. The interrogation ends abruptly as Sanseverino pulls up to a gas station and Adriana bolts for the ladies room.
Despite Adriana's denial, she and Tony have been growing closer. When Adriana's illness is diagnosed - Irritable Bowel Syndrome, probably stress-induced - Tony is far more sympathetic than Christopher. And Tony confides something to Adriana he's told no one else, that he recently had a cancerous lesion removed from his forehead. Then, one night at Crazy Horse, after sharing some lines of coke, Tony and Adriana have an awkward, sexually charged moment. During a dart game in the office, Adriana stoops to pick up some of the darts from the floor. Tony helps her up, holding onto her a little longer than necessary...and Adriana lets him. The tension is finally broken when Phil Leotardo and Joe Peeps knock on the door.
Tony is sufficiently troubled by his feelings to schedule an appointment with Dr. Melfi, who tells him that his desire to resist a destructive impulse is a breakthrough. So he quickly moves to re-establish the platonic nature of his and Adriana's relationship, to their mutual relief. Then, with Christopher in North Carolina on business and Adriana's car on the fritz, Tony offers her a ride home from work. Despite the fact that it's 2 AM, they decide to drive to Dover to score some coke and, swerving to avoid a raccoon, Tony flips his Escalade on its side. Although Adriana is briefly hospitalized, their injuries are relatively minor - but a scandal ensues that has potentially lethal consequences.
By the time the wise guys have finished spinning the story, the widely accepted - albeit false - version of events is that Tony and Adriana were engaged in oral sex at the time of the accident. Christopher, believing the rumors, goes on a rampage. He physically confronts Vito Spatafore, who outranks him; he beats Adriana and literally throws her out of their apartment; then shows up armed and drunk at the Bada Bing, looking for Tony.
Tony, Silvio, Paulie, Tony B. and some miscellaneous muscle are waiting for him. They quickly overpower Christopher and hustle him to a lonely back road, where Tony points a .38 at his nephew's head and delivers an ultimatum. "Either you tell me now that you can take it into your heart that I never did this shit," he says grimly, "or we've come as far as we can together." Christopher remains silent. Just then, Tony B. intercedes, suggesting, "Try it my way."
The two Tonys take Christopher to see the doctor who treated Adriana. He explains that Adriana's injuries support Tony's story and a mollified Christopher believes him. Later, in a display of solidarity, Tony and a reluctant but resigned Carmela, as well as Christopher, Adriana, Tony B. and his mother, Quintina, arrive together at Vesuvio, in view of several of Tony's guys. As they study their menus, Vito Spatafore stops by their table, extends his hand to Christopher and wishes him a pleasant evening. After a moment, Christopher shakes Vito's hand and replies, "You too."
06 - Sentimental Education
"From now on, anytime somebody steps in a pile of shit - it's gonna be called a 'Blundetto."
Struggling with two huge laundry bags, Tony Blundetto sets his foot on the back of his Kim's Southside Laundry truck. Just as he's about to heave in the bags, the motor starts; the truck lurches away and Tony B. falls backward onto the street. He manages to get up and give chase, only to trip and scrape his shin, leaving it a raw, bloody mess. When he gets back to the laundry, his boss, Sungyon Kim, is convinced Tony B. masterminded the theft. "Believe me," he snarls, "I no forget you professional criminal."
But Tony B. is making an honest effort at civilian life. With the encouragement of Gwen MacIntyre, his girlfriend whom he met online while incarcerated, he's diligently studying for the massage therapist license exam, an effort which is "practically doing two years of medical school on my own." Eventually, Mr. Kim comes to appreciate the additional load Tony B. is carrying and calls him into his office. He makes an offer: Kim will finance a massage studio to be run by his daughter and Tony B. "You pass test," he tells his amazed employee, "then you, me, my daughter make the big success journey."
Tony B. isn't the only one facing an academic challenge. A.J. remains perilously close to failing English, so Carmela visits Mr. Wegler. In addition to discussing A.J., Mr. Wegler, AKA Bob, persuades Carmela to have dinner with him. Afterwards, they go to his place where, for the first time in twenty years, Carmela has sex with a man other than Tony Soprano. Later, an exhilarated Carmela sneaks home past A.J., who's moved back following a physical altercation with his father.
Soon, things are looking up for Tony B. He passes his exam and spends his time off single-handedly gutting and renovating the storefront that will become the massage studio. Then something extraordinary happens: one night as he and Gwen are out walking, a car zooms past them and a small bag is tossed out its window. The bag contains several plastic vials and ten thousand dollars. Gwen convinces Tony B. to throw away the drugs and put the money into the business. "You are doubly blessed," she tells him.
Carmela feels blessed, too. She's enjoying a full-fledged romance with Bob and despite her initial misgivings and Father Intintola's stern disapproval, she has no intention of ending it. But one night Bob unexpectedly announces that they should "take a time out." Earlier, he used his position to strong-arm A.J.'s English teacher into raising his grade on a term paper. Now he claims Carmela is a "user" who slept with him to get him to do it. Brokenhearted, Carmela later tells her dad, "Whatever I say, whatever I do, because I was married to a man like Tony, my motives will always be called into question."
And Tony B. soon takes a detour on the big success journey. He blows his windfall on gambling, clothes for himself and toys for his sons. Then, while painting the walls of the massage studio, he quarrels with Gwen on the phone about a screwed-up furniture delivery. Immediately after, Kim shows up and within minutes Tony B. verbally attacks him. "You fuckin' stroll in?" he screams, "I'm over here bustin' my fuckin' ass!" Then it becomes physical, with Tony B. punching Kim in the face and beating him with a two-by-four. He ends up throwing out his back - and any hope of going straight. Soon after, he meets Tony S. at Vesuvio. Gingerly, he sits down, then says to his cousin, "You mentioned you might need someone to run the swag airbags."
07 - In Camelot
"There's no chemical solution to a spiritual problem."
Junior is quietly basking in the sun when Tony interrupts his reverie. "Long as we're here," Tony says, "I was gonna visit my father if you wanna join me." The two of them - along with the rest of the extended family - are at the cemetery for Tony's Aunt Concetta's funeral. But Junior, on furlough from house arrest, begs off. "Five hours they let me out for these funerals," he says, "I'm gonna spend it bein' maudlin?" Tony is taken aback by his uncle's attitude until Bobby explains, "It's those uptake inhibitors...his mood really improved." (But it's not just the medication that's made Junior jollier; it's being out of the house. He soon has his attorney petitioning for his release for nearly every Italian funeral within driving distance.)
When Tony gets to his parents' gravesite, he finds an attractive, late-sixtyish woman paying her respects. She's Fran Felstein, Johnny Soprano's longtime goomara. At the post-funeral gathering, Tony tells Junior about the encounter. His uncle says that he had once been in love with Fran himself and even planned to propose marriage. But according to Junior, he "hesitated" and his brother stole her away. "She never knew my feelings," Junior tells Tony, "For years I suffered in silence." (A couple weeks later, at the funeral for Concetta's husband, Junior suffers more audibly, sobbing uncontrollably. When his doctor suggests adjusting his medication, a disconsolate Junior asks, "I'm trapped, what's the goddamn point?")
Intrigued by Fran, Tony starts spending time with her, and she tells him a lot: his boyhood dog, Tippy, that his mother forced his father to give away, didn't retire to a farm as Tony had always believed; he became a gift for Fran and her son. As for Junior, he was "practically a stalker" who sent Fran "cheesy cards" and "bottles of that Shalimar crap." She reveals that she once had a "little thing" with JFK, who despite a bad back "was quite a cocksman." She also tells Tony that Hesh cheated her out of her "inheritance" from Johnny, a share of a midget auto racetrack that belonged to Johnny, Hesh and Phil Leotardo.
Tony goes to see Hesh, who is about to close on the sale of the racetrack. Hesh reluctantly agrees to give Johnny's twenty-five percent to Fran, but insists part of the money has to come from Leotardo's share. At a sitdown with Hesh, Phil and Johnny Sack, Tony agrees to take $150,000 for Fran, with a quarter of that coming from Phil, who makes the mistake of dismissively calling Tony "kid." In retaliation, Tony gives him five days to pay up. When Phil is late with the payment and tries to lose Tony in a car chase, Tony causes Phil to drive into a parked delivery truck.
Christopher also does some debt collecting. J.T. Dolan, a television writer and friend from rehab, has just moved to New Jersey. Christopher, being friendly, takes J.T. to the Executive Game, where he amasses a $57,000 debt. J.T. persuades Christopher to front him the money, but when he's unable to make his first payment, he's treated like any other holdout: he gets a savage beating from Christopher and Little Paulie. But Christopher really does care about his friend; when J.T. goes on a heroin bender, Christopher sees to it he goes back into rehab - right after he takes J.T.'s car and informs him he can make the rest of his payments when he gets out. "You can do this, man," Christopher tells him, "I have faith in you."
Meanwhile, Tony is finding Fran less captivating. She's flirtatious in a way that gets on his nerves and it irks him that she smoked around his emphysema-stricken father. Then, in a session with Dr. Melfi, Tony reveals that when he was a teenager he once lied to his mother - who was hospitalized following a miscarriage - to cover for his father. Instead of being at his wife's bedside, Johnny had been with a girlfriend, whom Tony now realizes was Fran. When Dr. Melfi suggests that perhaps now Tony could have some sympathy for Livia, Tony sits for a long time in silence. "You know what?" he finally says, "Fuck her. She made my father give away my dog."
08 - Marco Polo
"When I first got out of the joint I thought an airbag was Paulie Walnuts."
Little Carmine is squiring Angelo Garepe and Jerry Basile, a New York made man, around his posh new home. "The house sang out to us of both Miami and Taormina, where we had our honeymoon," he explains, "We had to snap it up." Carmine didn't invite Basile over just to sip espresso and admire his "trumpay la oil" ocean vista, however. He wants Basile's allegiance and to that end he gives him a gift, a brand new, top-of-the-line washing machine. But just as Carmine is assuring Basile that "you and me are gonna do great things together," he is informed that his cabin cruiser, which is docked not far from its owner's dream house has sunk. He is clearly not happy about it.
Tony is doing his best to steer clear of the New York turf struggle. When Johnny brings up the damage he caused to Phil Leotardo's car, Tony assures him it was only because Phil owed him money. "I'm not saying you were wrong," Johnny tells him, "...but the captains loyal to me need to know I stand behind them right now." He then reminds Tony that he ruled in his favor on the issue of the racetrack money Leotardo owed him. Reluctantly, Tony agrees to bankroll the repair work on Leotardo's car, as long as it's done at Pussy's body shop - now run by Angie Bonpensiero - so that he can minimize his expenses.
Meanwhile, Carmine's camp is clandestinely courting Tony Blundetto. Over martinis at the Four Seasons' Palm Room, Garepe and Rusty Millio offer him a freelance job. When Tony B. asks what the job involves, Angelo says softly, "Somebody who needs to go." Carmine wants to retaliate for the Lorraine Calluzzo hit, but Tony B. balks. "I can't sign on right now," he tells them, because Tony Soprano "....don't want us involved in this problem over here." But it's tough for Tony B. to turn down an opportunity to earn. Although he's making decent money with the airbags, he'd like more. In addition, he finds his current position unchallenging. "I think I could be of a lot more service to you in other areas," he tells his cousin, but Tony brushes it off. "Just eat what's on your plate," he says.
On the home front, Carmela throws a 75th birthday barbecue for her father, Hugh. (The shindig is intended to be a surprise until Junior tips off the birthday boy: "At our age it's enough surprise we're still alive every morning.") Tony is not initially invited to the party, but when Hugh insists that he be there, Carmela relents. So Tony shows up, to the deep dismay of Carmela's mother. She's mortified to have her mobster son-in-law grilling "sazeech" near her "cultured Italian" friends, Dr. Russ and Lena Fegoli. Russ Fegoli, who has a Ph.D. in international affairs, is a retired "assistant to the Ambassador to the Vatican."
As the night wears on, the guests - except for Artie, who passes out in a lounge chair - depart and Tony and Carmela find themselves alone in the swimming pool. Then, it turns out, the evening has a surprise after all: Tony presses up against Carmela and begins kissing her. Resistant at first, she kisses him back and they end up spending the night together. Early the next morning, Tony, hung over, slips out of the bedroom while Carmela is still asleep.
That same morning, at Quintina Blundetto's house, Tony B. stirs his Tang, deep in thought. At the party, he found himself envying Tony's wealth and position, and his relationship with Meadow made him miss his own runaway daughter. When Tony B. got home with his sons, Jason and Justin, he was stung when Jason told him that he loved the Sopranos' house and didn't want to return to where his father lives. After a moment, Tony B. picks up his cell phone and calls Rusty Millio. "I'm in," he tells him. Shortly after that he shoots Joe Peeps and a young prostitute as they sit in Joe's parked car. But before Tony B. can pull away, Joe's car rolls forward, over Tony B.'s foot and into the car in front of it. As the car alarm blares, Tony B. manages to hobble to his own car and speed away.
09 - Unidentified Black Males
"I thought I was smart and that's why I bumped him up and protect him. Turns out I'm still just a fucking robot to my own pussy-ass weakness."
On a sweltering afternoon, the two Tonys are watching a Mets game on the tube. When Tony B. goes to get a beer, Tony S. notices he's favoring his right foot. "Two black guys jumped me outside a bar," Tony B. explains. Later, when Tony S. is playing golf with Johnny Sack, he asks whether there's any news on the Joe Peeps shooting. All Johnny can offer is that "some homeless fuck saw a guy limping away" from the murder scene. Soon after that Tony suffers an anxiety attack and collapses on the tee box.
When Tony confronts his cousin with this information, Tony B. jokes that the killer might have been Long John Silver. But Tony is in no mood to laugh. "I'm bending over backwards tryin' to stay neutral," he rages, "...and you're out there like a fuckin' free agent?" Tony B. holds his ground, denying he was involved. "Even if I was," he asks, "would you really want to know?" After an uncomfortably long pause, Tony decides to let it go. He even provides Tony B. an alibi, telling Johnny - who's coming ever closer to declaring war on Little Carmine - that his cousin was with him upstate the night Peeps was killed.
In addition, Tony gives Tony B. a boost up the career ladder. He's always felt guilty for being absent from the heist that sent Tony B. to prison - word is Tony was jumped by two black guys that night and ended up in the emergency room instead of at the job - and wants to make it up to him. So he gives Tony B. stewardship of a casino "on Bloomfield Avenue, over the hardware store" as well as telling him he'll try to expedite his being made. This largesse is deeply resented by Christopher, who perceives he's being pushed aside. "The guy gets out of jail," he complains to Adriana, "suddenly I'm dog shit in Tony's eye."
Christopher's not the only one who feels owed something. Carmela, convinced that her recent night with Tony "didn't change anything," informs him that she's starting divorce proceedings and will "aggressively pursue...an equitable distribution of our assets." But it won't be easy. She had a difficult time hiring an attorney because Tony had already met with most of the highly recommended ones, precluding them from representing her. When she does secure a lawyer, he's unable to find an accountant willing to investigate Tony's finances and quits the case.
Meanwhile, Meadow's relationship with boyfriend Finn DeTrolio takes its own dramatic turn. Finn is spending the summer in New York instead of at home in California, so Tony gets him a job on one of his construction sites. Although Finn is uncomfortable around the wiseguys, he manages to cope until one morning he shows up for work early and witnesses something he shouldn't: Vito Spatafore performing oral sex on a security guard. In a panic, Finn is about to leave for Mission Viejo when Meadow confronts him, accusing him of wanting to run out on her. After parsing their relationship for several hours, an exhausted Finn says, "Maybe we should get married." Meadow agrees, and soon phones Carmela with the news.
In a session with Dr. Melfi, Tony painfully addresses his own recent bouts of panic. After much coaxing, Dr. Melfi finally elicits the reason for them: on the night of the heist where his cousin was arrested, Tony wasn't really attacked by two black men. Following an argument with his mother, he'd suffered a panic attack and passed out, falling and cutting his head. Having finally gotten this lie off his chest is an emotional - and physical - relief. When Dr. Melfi likens the process to childbirth, Tony asserts his own metaphor. "Trust me," he tells her, "It's like taking a shit."
10 - Cold Cuts
"Our bodies are 86 percent water. His last blood test he was 65 percent zeppola."
At a warehouse on the Hackensack River, Vincent "Vinny Pitts" Pitsaturo and Terry Doria are getting restless. They've been waiting for Johnny Sack's guys to deliver a shipment of Vespa scooters that are to be split between Johnny and Tony. When they sit up all night with no scooters to show for it, Tony wants to know why. Johnny innocently claims he never received the scooters and, despite Tony's skepticism, he stands firm. "Lots of things didn't happen that seem like they happened," he says, "Your cousin didn't whack Joey, the Vespas didn't get into my hands."
Unconvinced, Tony sends Doria and Benny Fazio to the Newark waterfront to get some answers. They catch up to a security guard who, after being worked over with his own nightstick, tells them that the Vespas were collected by a detail headed by Phil Leotardo. When Tony learns that the scooters made it into Johnny's hands after all, he's furious. "It's fuckin' payback," he seethes. Then he uses his own hands to smash a cue stick over the Bada Bing pool table.
Tony isn't the only Soprano giving physical expression to rage. At a peewee soccer game, Janice is incensed when her stepdaughter, Sophia, is tripped by a member of the opposing team. In short order she launches herself onto the tripper's mother and ends up under arrest for assault. More daunting than her legal situation, however, is the ultimatum Janice receives from Bobby. Although he likes "a spitfire type," he can no longer put up with Janice's violent temper and demands she see an anger specialist. "If you don't go to these anger classes they have or whatever," he tells her, "this with us ain't gonna work out."
Her brother, too, wants Janice to learn to cool her temper, if only to keep his name out of the media. But he soon has a more pressing concern. Uncle Pat Blundetto, an old wiseguy who long ago retired to an orchard in upstate New York, has sold his homestead to developers. This poses a problem in that there are three bodies buried on the old man's property and Tony doesn't want to leave them for the new owners. So he dispatches Christopher and Tony Blundetto to dispose of the corpses.
Christopher is not thrilled to be on exhumation duty, especially with Tony B., whom he still views as his rival. But as they work together - disinterring the skeletal remains, shattering them with hammers and then tossing them into the Hudson - the two cousins begin to find common ground. They share their gripes about Tony and make jokes about his growing girth, although they are quick to affirm that they love the guy. "I learned in recovery he's just tamping down his feelings, T, by eating," Christopher says. Tony B. wistfully adds, "It's a shame, he used to be the funnest guy in the world." When Tony S. shows up at Uncle Pat's, the three cousins quickly resume their routine of mutual ball busting.
Back in New Jersey, Tony is surprised to hear that Janice has had some success in her anger management class. He discusses this with Dr. Melfi, who asks whether he'd ever consider taking such a class himself. He brushes off the suggestion, but a couple of later incidents indicate it might not be a bad idea. At the Bada Bing, he attacks Georgie the bartender over an innocuous comment, beating him so badly that he suffers a hearing loss. Then, over Sunday dinner at Janice's, he taunts her about her long-estranged son, Harpo. Janice maintains her composure until Tony asks, "...what's French-Canadian for 'I grew up without a mother?'" Janice explodes, coming at her brother with a fork. Tony leaves her house and heads home, smiling.
11 - The Test Dream
"I told you many times, Anthony, you were special. You had smarts, personality, leadership potential. All the prerequisites to lead young men onto the field of sport."
Tony and his goomara, Valentina have just finished having sex when she heads for the kitchen to make him something to eat. While she prepares a not-so-hearty repast of egg substitutes and toast, she tries to convince Tony to go to Antigua with her. "You're getting a goddamned divorce, " Valentina complains, "and I see you less than before." But as her tirade heats up, so does the sleeve of her kimono. It catches fire from the stove and in a matter of seconds, her hair is ablaze as well and Tony is wrapping her in a blanket, patting out the flames.
With Valentina safely hospitalized, Tony drops by Tony Blundetto's to pick up an envelope of cash. He's decided to check into the Plaza Hotel and can use the extra money. "I just gotta get a good night's sleep," says Tony. In addition to staying up all night with Valentina, he's avoiding his housekeeper. "I seriously dread going home," he continues, "That Guatemalan forgets her English whenever it suits her purposes then shows up whenever she feels like it." Tony B. only half-listens as he compulsively tidies the room and calls to his sons. "I just gotta get the twins outta here already," he explains, so Tony takes off for Manhattan.
At the Plaza, Tony gets a voicemail message from Silvio that's as chilling as it is succinct: "Angelo's gone." While the old consigliere was out buying a big wheel for his grandchild, he was shot to death by Phil and Billy Leotardo. Suddenly Tony realizes why Tony B. was so agitated. "I saw him this morning and he must've fuckin' known already," Tony says over the phone to Paulie. Tony B. and Angelo became close friends in prison and Tony B. loved the old man like a father. Fearing the worst, Tony makes several more phone calls in an attempt to locate his cousin, with no results.
Eventually, Tony settles in for the night. After availing himself of the services of an Asian call girl, he finally manages to fall into a fitful sleep. He has a long dream peopled with important individuals from throughout his life and culminating in an encounter with his high school football coach, Mr. Molinaro. In the dream, Tony points a gun at Coach Molinaro, who berates him for the company he keeps, the life choices he's made and his lack of preparedness. When Tony pulls the trigger, the gun's silencer goes limp; he pulls it again and the clip falls out. Just before he wakes up, Coach Molinaro tells him, "You'll never shut me up."
Just before dawn Tony gets a visitor. It's Christopher, who quickly gets down to business. "I'm sorry to get you up," he says, "but I knew you'd want to know right away." Tony B. shot both of the Leotardo brothers, killing Billy and sending Phil to the hospital. While Tony processes this information, Christopher can't resist stating the obvious. "I guess TB's fucked, poor guy." Tony quickly corrects him. "Poor guy?" he says angrily, "We're all fucked."
After Christopher leaves, Tony phones Carmela, waking her, telling her he's in New York and canceling a fishing trip with A.J. "I had another one of my Coach Molinaro dreams," he tells her. "Turns out I was unprepared, as usual." Carmela laughs softly and they start talking, about little things - Carmela's night out with Gab and Ro, Artie's cornball jokes and the neighbor's barking dog - while the sun starts to rise.
12 - Long Term Parking
"We're in a fucking stagmire."
At the FBI's field office, Walter, an agent scanning surveillance video, notices something and has Agent Sanseverino take a look. On the tape, Adriana emerges from the back of Crazy Horse, carrying a small plastic bag. She locks up the club for the night, places the bag in the garbage dumpster and heads for her car. "But then," Walter points out, "she changes her mind." Adriana retrieves the bag, puts it in the trunk of her car and drives away. "Interesting," says Agent Sanseverino.
In New York, Tony has a sitdown with Johnny Sack where the topic of discussion is the fate of Tony Blundetto. Tony tells Johnny that he doesn't know where his cousin is, but Johnny is unappeased; he wants Tony B. "on a fucking spit" for the killings of Joe Peeps and Billy Leotardo. "You either deliver that prick to my door," Johnny warns, "or I will rain a shit storm down on you and your family like you have never fucking seen."
Family has been on Tony's mind quite a bit lately. Following much discussion, he and Carmela have decided to reconcile. But before Carmela will allow Tony under her roof, she wants assurance that there will be no one else under his sheets. "I swear to you on our children," he tells her, "that my midlife crisis problems will no longer intrude on you anymore." In addition, Carmela wants "something else in her life," i.e., a creative project. She wants to build a house on speculation and needs $600,000 for a piece of land. Tony agrees and shortly after moves back home where, at dinner with Carmela and A.J., he makes a champagne toast: "To the people I love. Nothing else matters."
But Tony still has to decide what to do about his loved one who's on the lam. Despite the untenable position in which Tony B. has put him, Tony S. remains protective of him. When his cousin phones him one night, Tony agrees to look after the twins and then confesses that he's always felt responsible for Tony B.'s incarceration. "Now we're even," Tony S. says. After hanging up he has the call traced and discovers that his cousin is hiding out in upstate New York, probably at Uncle Pat's vacant farmhouse.
Meanwhile, the FBI learns that the plastic bag in the surveillance video contained evidence of a murder. A drug dealer named Matush stabbed a dissatisfied customer in Adriana's office. Threatened with twenty-five years for obstructing an investigation, Adriana offers as a last resort to attempt flip Christopher although she is unsure if he will actually do it, and is sent home. After a long, at times violent, confrontation, Christopher finally seems ready to join Adriana in witness protection. But then he goes out to get some cigarettes and, a couple hours later, the phone rings. It's Tony, telling Adriana that Christopher, who's started drinking again, has attempted suicide in Ramapo and that Silvio is on his way to take her to the hospital. But it soon becomes clear that Tony was lying. Instead of going to the hospital, Silvio drives Adriana to a secluded spot in the woods and fires two bullets into her as she attempts to crawl away through the leaves.
Shortly after, Tony meets Johnny Sack beside the East River. Johnny is now the undisputed boss of New York (Little Carmine, finding he has no stomach for bloody conflict, withdrew from competition) and it's already gone to his head. He tells Tony, "This is the last time we'll meet like this. It's undignified." Then, when Tony accedes to Tony B.'s execution but requests, as a friend, to be allowed to handle it himself, Johnny flatly refuses. He similarly rebuffs Tony's request that the death be quick. The reason for his refusal is curt: "I choose not to." Taken aback, Tony steps away for a moment to consider his options. Then he goes to Johnny and looks him square in the eye. "You know what, John?" he says, smiling, "I'll give you undignified. Go fuck yourself. And Phil and whoever. He's my fuckin' cousin." Then he climbs into his Escalade and drives away.
13 - All Due Respect
"All due respect, you got no fucking idea what it's like to be number one. Every decision you make affects ever facet of every other fucking thing. It's too much to deal with almost. And in the end you're completely alone with it."
Johnny Sack is accompanying Phil Leotardo as he retrieves his brother's body from the morgue. Phil promised his mother that he'd look at Billy before the undertaker "puts on all that pancake and shit." But when the attendant unzips the black bag, it's more than the hardened capo can bear. He turns to Johnny. "How long I gotta wait?" he pleads, "Tony Soprano left to his own device is never gonna give up that fuckin' animal Blundetto."
Tony's unilateral decision to protect his cousin has not been a popular one. While the guys await Tony's arrival at a birthday dinner for Ray Curto (who continues to pass information to the FBI) they grouse openly about the current state of affairs. Christopher has been forced into hiding because Phil will kill him if he can't have Blundetto. Another concern is the financial difficulty an unappeased Johnny Sack could create for all of them. Cutting to the heart of the matter, Vito Spatafore sums up the prevailing opinion: "I'm willing to die for a good cause. This is bullshit."
But when Tony shows up he makes his position clear. Because Phil intends not just to execute Tony B, but to torture him, Tony S. will not hand him over. "I'm offering him the same protection I would offer to any of you under similar circumstances," he says. "We're a family," Tony reminds them, which means protecting your own. Silvio, however, sees things differently and when he and Tony are alone, he speaks his mind. "It's about you don't want to eat shit from Johnny," he says, adding, "There's seven deadly sins and yours is pride."
The consequences are soon apparent. Accosting Benny Fazio in the parking lot of Crazy Horse one night, Phil demands to know where Blundetto is. When Benny claims ignorance, Phil beats him with his cane, fracturing his skull. After visiting the unconscious Benny at the hospital, Tony's resolve begins to waver. He asks Junior's advice, but his increasingly confused uncle is preoccupied with his own situation; his attorney suffered a stroke, causing a postponement of his retrial. But later, in a contentious session with Dr. Melfi, Tony is reminded of something pertinent, that all his feelings for Tony B. stem from guilt.
Meanwhile, Tony B. is still at Uncle Pat's farmhouse, awaiting a message from Tony S. Soon it comes: as he steps onto the porch carrying groceries, Tony S. emerges from around a corner and fires a single twelve-gauge shotgun cartridge into his cousin's forehead. Afterward Tony goes to Christopher's motel room. "You need to go up to the farm and pick up your cousin," Tony tells him softly. "He should be buried. It should be you that does it."
Then Tony goes home, where Carmela is devastated over news that Adriana and Christopher have broken up and A.J. has embarked on a new business venture. He and a friend threw a party, charging admission and clearing a profit of six hundred dollars. Carmela tells Tony that A.J. once expressed interest in studying to be an event planner. Although he's uncertain what that is, Tony is glad to see his son excited about something.
The next morning, Tony goes to Johnny Sack's house to finally settle their differences. As they stand in his snow-covered backyard, Johnny informs Tony that Phil remains angry, but Tony has had enough. "Whatever his legitimate sorrow, he's got a price," Tony tells Johnny, "...meet his price and that's it." Johnny closes his eyes and exhales, then agrees. The two bosses embrace, restoring peace between the families - just in time for FBI agents to arrive. Johnny is chased down and arrested, but Tony escapes through the woods. A safe distance away, he phones his lawyer, Neil Mink, who tells him not to worry, it was a Brooklyn sting operation and Tony wasn't named on the warrant. "Be of good cheer," Neil advises. Then Tony hangs up and continues his long walk home.